


You Will Be Alone Always

by Writing_is_THORapy



Series: The Dead-ception AU [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Canon Divergence - The Clone Wars: Rako Hardeen Arc, Episode: s04e15 Deception, Gen, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Inspired by Richard Siken, Non-graphic suicide, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Please be mindful of the tags, Poetry, Post-Episode: s04e15 Deception, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Survivor Guilt, The Dead-ception AU, hey that's a tag cool
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:41:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27702223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writing_is_THORapy/pseuds/Writing_is_THORapy
Summary: Obi-Wan struggles to remain afloat.(ALTERNATE ENDING TO DEAD-CEPTION)(Title taken from the poem "Litany" by Richard Siken)
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Series: The Dead-ception AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025967
Comments: 19
Kudos: 115





	You Will Be Alone Always

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ghostwriterofthemachine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostwriterofthemachine/gifts).



> Welcome to Dead-ception But _Worse_! 
> 
> This fic is an _ALTERNATE ENDING_ to my AU of the Deception Arc, [**“Carry You Home.”**](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27495769) It’s intended to take place after Chapter 2, so GO READ IT IF YOU HAVEN’T (it’s pretty good, if I do say so myself. Granted, I’m very biased). That way, you can read this fic with the proper context and it will actually make sense.
> 
> This is definitely the darkest thing I’ve ever written in terms of how it ends, but it was fun to do! 
> 
> WARNING: THERE IS A NON-GRAPHIC SUICIDE IN THE FIC. _Please_ be mindful of the tags and your comfort level, and stay safe ❤️
> 
> As you've probably already guessed, this does not end happily, so buckle up, dear readers! Hope you enjoy!

_I’m out here, slogging through the mud, breathing fire,  
_ _and getting stabbed to death._

Even though Obi-Wan’s entire world has fallen apart, war remains the same— bloody and brutal and relentless. 

He protects his men as much as he can but he knows he can’t save everyone.

He couldn’t save Anakin. 

No, not even war is the same, he realizes.

War is much bleaker without the playful banter and the familiar, blindingly-bright presence fighting at his side.

* * *

Obi-Wan barely sleeps. When he does, it is restless and filled with phantoms. 

He is haunted by the crack of a falling body as it smashes through a stack of crates and onto the Permacrete, the chill of a hand once burning with the heat of Tatooine’s twin suns, the sightless sky-blue eyes that will never sparkle again.

The accusatory cries and chants that he tries and tries and tries to block out but always fails to because he cannot deny the truth— that Anakin is dead and Obi-Wan would do anything to take his place. 

* * *

Obi-Wan finds himself being more reckless, more willing to charge into a fight without backup, to jump in front of a stray blaster bolt about to hit one of his men.

Better it be him than one of his troopers. 

He haphazardly tends to the wounds he is able to hide, though he knows that Cody and Helix, their CMO, have noticed. 

He can’t help but think he deserves the pain.

At least he’s honoring Anakin, in a way.

(They would always run after each other during such harebrained schemes or yell at each other in the aftermath, frightened of the possibility of losing their other half)

(Obi-Wan no longer has anything to lose)

* * *

_So maybe I wanted to give you something more than a catalog  
_ _of non-definitive acts,  
_ _something other than the desperation._

Every day is little harder.

Every day the world loses some its color and the Force only seems to drag him down, down, down into the depths, never to see the light of day again. 

In the beginning, he would always turn to the side to exchange snark or derisive comments only to realize there was no one there.

Now he never forgets.

* * *

Obi-Wan hasn’t seen Padmé or talked to Ahsoka since the funeral and he doesn’t know if he is better or worse because of it.

All of them carry Anakin with them, cradles that sliver of light close to their chests and guards it with everything they have.

Yet even that has started to fade, has started to slip between his fingers.

* * *

Each whistle of the wind or inhale or scream of a starfighter’s engine seem to whisper _your fault, your fault, your fault._

How does he deserve the ability to observe such things, to enjoy them when the person he cared about the most, the person so much more _worthy_ than him, no longer can?

The whispers are right and there’s nothing he can do but let them swallow him whole. 

* * *

_Here is the part where everyone was happy all the time and we were all forgiven,  
_ _even though we didn’t deserve it._

Anakin is there, smiling. It is not a sad smile marred by the horrors of war, but a happy, innocent smile of untroubled youth. His bright blue eyes seem to twinkle with untold mischief, the black and blue bags that had become commonplace now absent.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan breathes, relieved and grief-stricken and so many other emotions all at once. 

Anakin just grins at him, that wide, sunny smile of days long past. He extends his flesh hand. An offer. 

Obi-Wan reaches out to take it.

As their fingers brush, Anakin’s hand seems to decay before his very eyes, burning and festering until it’s nothing but ash. 

His limbs refuse to move and his mouth is sealed shut so he looks up, panicked. 

Anakin’s face is lined with black veins. There is a rim of yellow around his irises and his eyes are bloodshot. His expression remains unchanged. “ _Obi-Wa—_ ” 

He’s gone.

Obi-Wan wakes up.

* * *

_Let’s jump ahead to the moment of epiphany,  
_ _in gold light, as the camera pans to where  
_ _the action is_

The guilt and the loneliness and the _hurt_ become all-encompassing, inescapable. 

Unbearable. 

It’s the moment where he looks at himself in the mirror and is barely able to recognize himself without his best friend by his side that he _knows_.

He will die on his own terms.

* * *

The soft buzz of an ignited lightsaber.

The thump of a limp body hitting the floor.

The clatter of a lightsaber as it rolls from his hand. 

_You will be alone always and then you will die._

* * *

In her anger and distress over Master Obi-Wan’s almost-deception, Ahsoka has seen very little of her (former) grandmaster.

However, the Wolfpack and 212th were working together in this battle, so she didn’t really have much of a choice. 

Though she avoided making eye contact, Ahsoka couldn’t help but notice how dark it was under Obi-Wan’s eyes and how gaunt his cheeks were. 

She’s had Master Plo and Rex and Barriss and even Padmé to lean on. 

Master Obi-Wan hasn’t had anyone. 

The Force is nudging her, urgently steering her towards his tent, telling her to _reach out_ , to _go_. 

She heeds the Force’s directions and walks to his tent, stopping just outside the closed flap. 

“Master Obi-Wan?” She calls out. No response. “It’s-it’s Ahsoka.”

Nothing.

Something is wrong. 

She barges through the flap of the tent—and stops. 

Obi-Wan’s body lies on the ground.

A charred hole mars his chest and his blue eyes gaze upwards, unseeing. 

She falls to her knees next to him and closes his eyes.

Ahsoka sighs, a profoundly broken sound, and rises to go inform Master Plo. She makes sure to grab the lightsaber that had fallen out of Obi-Wan’s hand.

She hooks Anakin’s lightsaber to her belt and walks away.

_Dear Forgiveness, I saved a plate for you._

_Quit milling around the yard and come inside._

**Author's Note:**

> Again, I would like to reiterate that this is _not the actual ending for Dead-ception_.
> 
> The italicized blocks of text are also from “Litany” which is, again, written by Richard Siken. If you haven’t read it, it’s a beautifully-written but sad poem and you should definitely go check it out. (FWI: The verses I included from the poem are not in chronological order)
> 
> You know what would be awesome? Leaving a comment and/or kudos! I love hearing from you guys and each every comment I receive makes my day. 
> 
> If you’d like, check out my [Tumblr](https://newdougsblog.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Thank you again for reading!


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